~Enjoy my rambled words about my realizations ~
I didn’t post anything about my two years being vegetarian last month, but after my yoga this morning, I had an overwhelming amount of gratitude and joy for what I have overcome internally over the past few years stirring in my body that I just wanted to share!
I will be the first one to tell you that losing weight is one crazy rollercoaster. I think many people can relate to this, but weight has been one of my biggest insecurity my whole life. I remember being weighed for the first time school during 3rd grade gym class, thinking that the girls around me don’t look like me/ are smaller.
Ever since then, losing weight has been at the top of my goal list. I tried yoyo diets and things like weight watchers in middle school, but at the end of the day, just maintaining my above average weight.
When I started my freshman year at UT in the fall of 2016, I was the biggest I ever was. I tried to ignore my problems and the fact that I was not happy where I was at with myself during my first year. So my second year, I started to become aware and searching for some change.
Losing weight has opened a new door of insecurities and realizations for me to tackle. I don’t even know the words to sum it up, but let’s just say junior was a tough one. That was when I started to really see the results of my weight loss… but why wasn’t I feeling my fullest potential and happy? The answer is I was focused on the progress I haven’t made yet, along with studying every tiny little insecurity or new realization I had about myself.
One of the qualities that I have always liked about myself is my strong personality/ energy, but I started looking at is a negative during this time. I was hurt and lost with self-realizations pounding my head, and regretted daily that I lost my heart to live each day to the fullest. I was so lost that I thought that all I was feeling was the new normal and that I had to come to accustom to it in order to function.
It hurts to think how locked up I was by my mind last year, but you know what? Overall, I don’t regret it. Junior year is a critical time that many of us college kids face focussing on the status of our or career, and if we are making the right steps in order to obtain that. While I still was meeting the checkmarks of where I wanted to be with school and building my resume, but at the end of the day, that was not where my prime focus was.
My prime focus was realizing who I was. As cheesy as this seems, but you really do have to lose yourself before you find yourself. And I am 100% fully content, knowing what I was dealing with and learning outside of the classroom last year was in order to make me stronger in the long run. It was time to focus on me and what I needed to obtain happiness.
It took a long time for me to realize, but for me to be the happiest in life that I needed to be in control of my health. Me during my #preveggie life, I did not think it was possible to enjoy healthy food much less physical activity, but yoga has became my best friend over this past year. I hate calling it these words because they sound intimidating, but it takes time to figure out a healthy “diet” and “workout routine” for yourself. It is crazy for me to think that me, myself, and I do yoga 5+ times and week and eat healthy! And the beautiful thing about it is I don’t feel like I am on a diet or workout routine, I am simply just doing stuff I enjoy! Obtaining this lifestyle through being vegetarian and yoga has created this new sense of worth and trust I have within myself. Words cannot explain the newfound joy that I have by balancing my diet and finding a physical activity that I fell in love with!
To myself, it sounded very superficial that my number one goal in life since elementary school was to lose weight. For the longest time, I let my inner voice bully me into thinking that I was not capable of obtaining this goal. Although losing weight was my number one goal, I think what I really was searching for was control. The past several months, I have been telling the people that I am closest to in my life how it feels so liberating to have this story coming to a conclusion finally. I realize that life will continually throw problems at you and that learning how to tackle them will be ever-evolving.
Whenever I need a reminder about how far I have come, I tend to look back at this first picture of my winter formal during my sophomore year. At this time, I was vegetarian for a little over a month and just starting to think about why I made this lifestyle change and what I wanted to gain out of it.
So yay! I finally feel like I have made it to the other side of the mountain. It feels great rediscovering the joy I had before college, but it feels even greater knowing myself and how I can create happiness. It feels great to be back in my body, and it feels even greater knowing myself a lot better now! I finally feel in control of the controllable and comfortable within myself after this long battle! Now that I have learned what it takes for me to be healthy and trust myself, I am ready to move onto the next challenge. I am excited about where life will lead to and what it will throw at me, so let’s have fun, work hard, and finish senior year to the fullest!