Guess who’s back at blogging again? This girl! This past semester has been strenuous in many different ways, and I have not been inspired to blog. There have been times where I have thought about getting back to it, but I did not have the drive or confidence to write any words.
Throughout this period, I have been brainstorming how I am going to get back at it, and on the first day of my vacation I realized what I needed to do, and that was to, simply, be honest.
One thing that I have always taken pride in was for being myself and living life to the fullest, but I started to dislike myself. I woke up every day, questioning who I was, and I forgot who I was for the first time in my life. I limited doing spontaneous things that made me, me, and I just felt drained all the time.
The first semester I was so mad at myself for falling down this hole, and the second semester, I, sadly, accepted the hole and just lived in it. I lived in fear, worry, and I dwelled on the things that I thought were wrong with me. At first, I thought I was just being a little b, but by April I finally reached the acceptance that this was a massive storm, and told myself, “aye girl, this is not normal!”. It is not normal or healthy to wake up feeling insignificant and sad.
It is not normal or healthy to continually dwell on yourself.
Losing weight has opened a door of self-realization that I have never had before, and I lost control of those realizations and began believing the lies I was telling myself. When I started losing weight, I did gain a rush of happiness because I have never been able to lose weight in my life before, but then I became too obsessed with the fact about it. Whenever I would reach a new weight, and then the next day I would weigh myself and weigh 2 pounds more than the day previous, I would freak out and obsess over it. I am learning more and more each day to accept how far I have come, and that weight does not define your character. Instead of thinking of where my goal weight is at, I am trying each day to rejoice in the fact that I am the healthiest I have ever been.
What helped me get out of the self-destructing storm was accepting myself and doing the things in my life that I loved. The week of April 15, The University of Tennessee held Student Government Association elections. Although I did not rerun for my Senate seat, I was highly involved with a great campaign that unfortunately “lost,” (I am not opening that can of worms, that’s a different story for a different time lol) I won something different. I got myself back and felt my worth again. I forgot what it was like to be passionate about the things I love. I am obsessed with campaigning and even more in love with talking to people! This week I realized right where I was, and where I was, was okay. I am surrounded by amazing people at UT, and I am happy to be apart of the things I chose to be involved with.
On the plane ride to my vacation, I indulged myself in a biography about my ultimate all-time favorite band, The Beatles. Each little fact gave me excitement. Just reading about the day that John Lennon was born, October 9, 1940, and how his beloved Aunt Mimi ran through war fled streets of Liverpool hunkering down from doorstep to doorstep on her way to the hospital, fascinated me. Now I know not everyone gets excited about little Beatles facts, but everyone has the little things they love in life and if I can say one thing about it is never stop enjoying and indulging in the things you love, and the things that make you, you.
Even though this storm was hell, I am trying to pick up the positives out of it. Through the storm, I am lucky I have found a gift that calmed me down in my worst moments: yoga. Yoga gives your crazy monkey-mind a break and allows you to reconnect with your core. Also, I believe that “You have to lose yourself, to find yourself.” This quote may be a little cliche, and I know that I will have more dark times throughout life, but I am thankful that I fell so far that now I am learning about who I am and what to do to keep my soul happy.
It is crucial to remind yourself that there is no rulebook you have to follow in life. Do the things that make you happy, surround yourself with family and friends who love you, and do not let societies standards stop you from being you. You create your own happiness, and if there is something that does not make you happy, remove it. You might not be able to control all things that life throws at you, but you are allowed to control how you react to it.